


Fall apart, fall together

by weweretold



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Episode: s03e02 The Sign of Three, F/M, I'm really sorry, John's Wedding, M/M, Terrible things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:52:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5252330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weweretold/pseuds/weweretold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock finally gathers up the nerve to tell John that he loves him. During the wedding ceremony. Things don't turn out completely as they should.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fall apart, fall together

**Author's Note:**

> There was [a tumblr post](http://atikiosity.tumblr.com/post/133481554229/do-u-ever-think-about-how-sherlock-had-to-listen) again that made me think about terrible, terrible things, and then this fic happened. As usual with these short ones, it's unbeta'd and unbritpicked and I'm open to any suggestions for improvement.

 

I don’t make mistakes.

So when the vicar asked if anyone had any objections to the marriage between John Watson and Mary Morstan, I stood up.

I stood up noisily, before I could catch myself, and I found myself without a clear plan of action and with all eyes on me.

So I improvised.

I told the vicar that I had a point to make. I told the congregation that they needed to hear me out. I told John and Mary that there was one thing I had to say. They looked at each other briefly, Mary with a flash of panic in her eyes, John with a look of resignation. But I knew this was going to be the last chance to say what I’d meant to say always, but never had.

After today, after _this very moment_ , there would be no turning back.

“John,” I said, hesitating at first, but then speeding up. “I am not your best friend. Nor are you mine. I don’t even want to be your best friend. Friends are people who may drift in and out of each other’s lives. And I’ve done that. I’ve been guilty of – well, not drifting exactly – _falling_ out of your life. Quite literally, and quite dramatically. And John, the worst thing I can imagine is doing that again.”

John looked up at me with grief in his eyes. The look that would always continue to make me feel guilty about what I did back then.

“Falling in love,” I said, “is not called that without a reason. When you’ve fallen, it’s hard to get up. After–” I swallowed hard, “–after I fell out of your life, it took me two years to come back, and then it took us a long time to heal. But falling in love… I did that on the day we met. When I found out that in the face of danger, you had pulled out a gun and shot a man to save me, that’s when it struck me: I loved you, I fell in love and that has never changed.”

The congregation murmured. I ignored them.

“A wedding can be like a fall,” I continued. “You’ll fall into it, and you won’t be able to get back up into how things were before. I’m afraid, John. I’m terrified that I’m going to fall out of your life again when you and Mary get married, not because I’ve made the choice to protect you, like last time, but because you’ll push me away, because that’s how it works when people get married.”

The nerves were eating up at me, my breath high in my throat, but I went on. “I need you to stay, John. Because I’m still in love with you and I won’t ever recover. I know that you’ve fallen too, I can see it in your eyes, I’ve seen it for years. I wanted to give you time to accept it, but if I don’t push you now, it may forever be too late. We are not friends. We are so much more. And I need you to admit that now, and I need you to fall with me together, to fall into marriage with me, and never get up.”

It later transpired that I had said none of this out loud.

So the vicar continued with the ceremony and the rest of the day went by in a blur and I kept myself standing, against all odds, and now I have to live with this mistake forever. This one mistake, the biggest that I could have made, and I find myself wishing that I could make a thousand other mistakes in exchange for this one.

I never told John that I loved him. I never told him out loud.

I’ve told him in my head a thousand times. I have an entire wing in my mind palace devoted to our married life together, to our joint adventures, to slowly making love in the mornings, to tender evening kisses, to languid scenes of longing and loving and fucking and breakfast together and a candle on the table at Angelo’s, to looking into his bright blue eyes and seeing my love reflected, to the soft feeling of warm skin when I lie against him in our shared bed.

I don’t want to leave my mind palace anymore. So I’m off, I’m off to this abandoned warehouse where I know people who can help me move into my mind palace more or less continuously. And that’s where I’ll be, John, until you come find me.

And if you do, then maybe we can fall together again.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos = <3.


End file.
